Motherhood, Mysticism, and Pandemic Living
Hi friends,
What a month. I hope you’re all doing okay, wherever you are. Because we live in New York, I’ve gotten some concerned emails/dms from folks I know, so I wanted to start out this email with the reassurance that I and my little family are okay right now! We’ve been nestled in our Upper East Side apartment for going on three weeks now, only leaving for the occasional early morning walk. Our apartment is only about ~650 sq ft, and the situation in New York is bad enough that I don’t feel like we can or should leave the apartment very often, so this hasn’t been easy. But we’re all feeling healthy right now, taking every precaution we can, and this won’t last forever. Do pray for New York, though, if you’re the praying kind. The city is quieter than I’ve ever heard it, except for the sirens. Things are not good here, and it looks like the worst of it is still a few weeks away.
I don’t really have much to say this month. My life, like most everyone’s life, has changed dramatically in the last few weeks. NYC public schools are closed officially until April 20th, though with the situation being what it is here, it’s highly unlikely that schools will reopen before the end of the school year. So I’ve spent most of March figuring out how to teach my kids at home. This has been very weird for me—I was homeschooled for most of my childhood, and I made a conscious choice not to homeschool my children, for a variety of reasons. And now, here I am! Homeschooling, except it’s less well-thought-out-homeschooling and more hastily-prepared-remote-learning. But we’re all doing our best.
This—having my kids at home, trying to teach them, managing their emotions about all this—has taken up my whole life the last few weeks. I can’t concentrate on anything except trying to get through each day. I keep seeing takes about leaning into the quietness and peacefulness of social distancing and staying home, and friends, I cannot relate. I’ve lost all free time in this situation, not gained any. Writing is happening, but only in bits and pieces, because I haven’t figured out yet where to find more time for it while mothering and teaching my children in the ways they need right now. My prayer life has suffered too. I’m clinging to the ritual of morning and evening prayer, but everything right now feels rote and rushed because my concentration is shot. Everyone’s is. I don’t think we can expect otherwise right now.
So yeah, it’s basically been all mothering all the time here. And it’s frustrating not to have a balance right now, but I know a balance will come. And this new and sudden closeness with my kids hasn’t been bad. I have trouble praying words right now, but being thrust into a more intense kind of mothering during this time has reminded me of what a mystical experience mothering can be. I keep thinking about something that Caryll Houselander mentions in The Reed of God, about how anything that you do for your child, you do for the Christ Child. I like this a lot. It’s a reminder that religious experience isn’t always a purely cerebral experience. It’s a lived thing. Mysticism is embodied. To love our children is to love Christ. And practically speaking, this thought really does help me to be more patient with my kids. Which isn’t to say I haven’t lost my patience with them in the last few weeks—we’re all under a lot of stress and snapping has happened. But it helps.
I like sending out these monthly emails. It feels strange to do so, though, when I have so little to offer. But I sincerely hope you’re all staying safe. Please reply to this if you’d like and let me know how you’re doing—a lot of you who subscribe to this newsletter are people I know and I’d love to know how you’re managing things right now.
My very best,
Brittany