Happy spring, friends! I hope you’re all happy and healthy. My family and I are doing well. The baby who has kept me away from the internet lately is almost six months old now and she’s such a dear treasure — a true princess, doted on all day and night by the whole family, including her big brothers.
I haven’t had much time to write since the baby was born – this is my first substack email since the fall, aside from a little thing I dashed off around Christmas. It’s a little frustrating because this baby sleeps very well at night (a miracle, my first two didn’t sleep through the night for years) and so I do occasionally feel like I have two brain cells to rub together. However, she still, almost six months into her little life, wants to be held nearly all day every day, sleeping or waking. It leaves me with very little free time, and I’ve been prioritizing other things. I’m writing this newsletter in a fury while she takes a rare nap in her crib.
I haven’t had much time to write, but I’ve also been hesitant to pick up this Substack again because I’m not sure where I want to go in the wake of The Contemplative Tarot. “Christian tarot” has been my brand on the internet for several years now. I’m so proud of the work that I’ve done and I’m proud of the book, but I finally admitted to myself last week that I’m not very interested in writing about tarot anymore, at least for right now. I use tarot to think about God, and I’m more interested in God than tarot. I still use tarot in my spiritual practice but I don’t have any desire to center my public writing around it anymore. That felt like a scary thing to be honest with myself about, but it was also freeing! I can allow myself to pivot now.
As I come back to this substack after about six months away, it feels like a good idea to be honest about how I’m pivoting. This substack is free and I don’t pay attention to subscriber numbers – this is where I happily work out my little thoughts and I’m trying not to feel beholden to any audience I might have, though I am glad that you’re here!
The thing that I’m really interested in – the thing that I’m always orienting myself towards – is an experience of God. I’ve always loved mysticism, not because I am particularly mystical but because I am the opposite. I think the Christian mystics’ romantic ideas about God are beautiful, and I want that too, and it’s extremely difficult for me, and so it’s what I obsess over.
What I loved about tarot is that it was an interesting contemplative practice, a tool for helping me to pay attention in prayer. I think that what I’m more interested in now is how to pray all the time, or maybe how to take that attention that I find in prayer and apply it to every moment. These are things I’m always thinking about: how to orient my body towards God, the physicality of faith, praying without ceasing, inconvenience as a spiritual practice, anything that fights against gnosticism, the whole world as a manifestation of the glory of God, etc.
I’m not sure if or how these interests will come together. That’s what this substack is for, letting you peek into my brain while I try to figure it out! As an aside, I do love that I came to Christian hermeticism via tarot, specifically Meditations on the Tarot, and that the ideas I’m interested in now feel very hermetic. As another aside, Way of the Heart is one of my favorite substacks and the author wrote a helpful little post about Christian hermeticism. So it doesn’t feel like my interests are pivoting completely, just moving forward. I’ll be reading more Tomberg this year and maybe exploring Meditations again.
One of the things I’ve been doing lately is keeping a running mental list of moments in my actual real life where I’ve felt. . .something. I hesitate to call it God because that feels embarrassingly lofty, but maybe it’s just pleasure or rightness, and for me it’s been helpful to bring myself back to the present moment over and over again. Here are a few:
the way my daughter wants to touch hands with me, palm to palm, when she nurses
not taking my phone on walks and getting lost in the woods with my dog
the constant interruptions of my children, little metaphorical monastery bells calling me to a bodily prayer, and how I’m better than I used to be at responding patiently
the first 90 degree day of the year, sweat prickling behind my knees and in the creases of my elbows
PS pre baby #3, I was sending out emails monthly. I can’t commit to that right now because my family life has to come first and I’m tired of cranking out content, but I’ll be here when I can be!
Ah I have felt this pivot in my bones! Writers as “brand” is such a hard thing to navigate sometimes! Best wishes as you shift and see where the shift takes you - I’m excited to read whenever it goes!
Dear Brittany, Thank you for writing this article for ME! Wow! I love how God works. You wrote my thoughts and feelings so perfectly.... I am a mother of 3, but my daughters are all in their mid 30s. I've spent most of my vocational life in holistic health care and energy therapy, where I was a leader for more than 15 years. The last five years my focus has been on Sacred Geometry and Energy Therapy (www.BoulderHealingTouch.com)... I've been reading Tomberg's Meditations for 25 years plus lots of Anthroposophy. What you described is something I've been aware of but haven't been able to put into words. I am also Catholic and am in Year 3 of a 4 year Biblical Studies program at the Denver Seminary. I LOVE the mysticism of Catholicism and am able to separate through the chaff and grain, the corruption and the TRUTH BEAUTY and GOODNESS of the Church. I've been to the Holy Land twice and other sacred sites. My primary interest is GOD and mysticism, though I don't have mystical experiences (like you!). I do feel my connection to Christ, The Blessed Mother, my Guardian Angel and some saints, but in an indirect way (which causes me to question it at times). I do have faith and desire to be someone who brings others to God and faith. I just found out about you six months ago and ordered your book and serendipitously found your email substance this morning. I feel we are soul sisters... I love how you gave examples of finding your connection to God through your baby, through the "interruptions" and inconveniences of life and through bodily sensations. Thank you for putting into words for me a clarity of my vocational "pivot", which gives me hope, optimism, courage and inspiration! I would love to have a conversation if you are willing. 720.314.6033.